2013 Comes To An End
At the beginning of this year I had a different plan than the one I have now. I had a different path laid out for me and my goals were different very different. The path I am now is a complete 360 from the one I was on originally.
You see, over these twelve months I have become a different person. I will break it down to milestone months to pin point the different phases I went through.
February. I am a February baby born in the month of love, the thirteenth but ironically love seems to evade me. Nonetheless on my birthday I turned eighteen I was now an adult. What I told myself then was that I had to work hard pass my A-levels and get into medical school. That was the plan. What I was going through then. I hated the world for being so mean and unfair and I hated the fact that I could not understand it. Who was I then? I was a shy, confused boy who had a small group of friends and always listened to their problems tried to fix them as a way of avoiding confronting my own demons. I fooled everyone with my smile. I would meet you, flash you my smile with my big white teeth and you would believe me when I told you “everything is fine and I am doing well” (oh and for those who buy birthday presents early, for my birthday in 2014 get me the new book by No Violet Bulawayo; We Need New Names) I just had to throw that out there.
April. I went to this school in South Africa and met these kids who smiled a whole lot more than me. They all said “you will be fine just be yourself” and I just thought wow are these children mental or what. I mean who smiles constantly at everyone-not even I did that and I smiled a lot! I was going for interviews and I was just going because my dad had told me to but I had my own plan remember so I did not pay as much attention to this moment as I should have. After that weekend of exams, interviews and meeting some really extraordinary people I went back home, to my plan.
June. So here is where it starts to get interesting. I found out that the school I had applied to accepted me. Here I was, my father happy and I happy and confused. What about my plan? I was four months away from my finals and saying hello to a new chapter in my life, university. However as I soon came to realise I do not make the plans for my life, I only have a choice to follow or not to follow the new path put before me. I chose to follow. I thought time away from home and boarding school would be good for me to mature(I thought I was mature but I realised I was not) so in June I made the decision to just take a few years two actually away from my plan BUT still come back to it.
August. Now in August something happened that has taught me more about myself than any other life event in my life except one or two. August made me realise that what I see on TV is fiction derived from reality. Unconditional love. Katy Perry sings about it but what is it? I think it is to love without obligation or expectation. You love someone not because you expect them to love you back or that you expect them to sleep with you or maybe you anticipate sweet messages or gifts. You love someone because you feel compelled to by a force that is intrinsic in nature. You love that person knowing everything about them. Their bad eating habits, their insecurities, and their darkest kept secret you love them with all of it. When they hurt you or when you fight you get upset and bitter but the love you have for them is greater than those emotions. Unconditional love, is not easy but it is rare. That is what August brought.
September. This was my least favourite month this year. I just thought it would be better but it sucked. I hate new environments and adjusting and adapting so September was hard. I moved to a new country and a new school – double trouble. But if you follow my blog then you know I spoke about this and will not dwell on it. But to paraphrase, it was hard, exciting, thrilling, and painful. It was a roller-coaster.
November. Fun!!! After the roller-coaster ride I started getting out of my shell. I started to confront my demons one by one. Who was I? What do I believe in and why? What do I stand for? And what do I love doing? These questions unlocked the person I am today. I stopped following blindly and I started questioning everything. Did I do this only because my parents said so-were they correct and whose interest did they have at heart when they said this I stopped being a hypocrite who would tell others not to care about what people said and yet I myself would cringe over what the other guy in my hall said. I stopped living for others and started living for me. Here my plan completely changed and I did what made me happy. Foolish some would say but I rather would be happy than get to sixty and say “but hey when I was young I wonder if I had made a different choice how things would have been” because the moment would have been lost in time. And you will be stuck with regrets to keep you up at night. But the biggest part of November was making new friends who I fell in love with and people who inspired me to do better and achieve more.
December. Is not over yet but I can say December brought me full circle. I was now able to go back home and see the person I used to be through the eyes of those who had known the old me. Some people like my friends admired the new me who was more confident, headstrong and more self-aware. Others however thought going away from home had “changed me”. To them that meant I no longer stood in line and took whatever was handed to me with my head bowed instead I would lift my head and question why.
So the plan changed, the person metamorphosed and the character grew. The person who walked into 2013 is not the same as the one who awaits to leave. If you are one of those people whom write resolutions I hope you take your pen out in two days’ time remember something from what you read here and try change something’s in your life too. If you don’t do lists then think about what you would like to see change in your life next year or tomorrow and start working on it. Confront your demons, tell that girl how you really feel, finish that project you have been meaning to get to, finish that book you have not finished but started reading four months ago. Spring clean and brush off the dust it is long overdue.