Change is never easy for anyone, but for me, change is my worst nightmare. Change is my Boogieman meets Freddy Krueger. Moving for me I have come to realize is not just packing my belongings and flying or driving to a new place. Moving for me is a complete internal upheaval. Everything moves. I have not stopped unpacking since I arrived, some things have been easier to unpack and shelf than others but I am being patient.
1. My clothes were perhaps the easiest of all to unpack, it took me thirty minutes and I was done organizing where the extra sheets, would go, the shorts (which I miss wearing), the official documents etc
2. My friends. I could not unfortunately pack all my friends into one suitcase and bring them along with me, so for the last six months I have been unpacking their absence. It has been difficult to immerse myself in this new environment because for the most part I was incomplete. However, each day has been better and I have started to also unpack new parts of myself I did not know existed thanks to the new friendships I have started to make.
3. My plan. Everywhere I go I carry my plan. “My plan” is my compass, it is my reason for going to any place. The problem though is that it takes a while for me re-calibrate and find my plan once I arrive because my plan is no longer based on “the get rich fast” North but rather on the “how do I become a dutiful citizen to the world and to myself” North. The latter is proving a harder North to find but I am getting there. Actually, It never changes but finding it is difficult because fear always, when I move comes and creeps up on me and tries to prevent me from finding my true North.
4. Difference. I am a very liberal person, if I were a Democrat I would be a very left winged Democrat. Moreover, for the last two years I had lived in a community where difference was something to be celebrated not just on brochures or websites but in earnest. However, I find myself often occupying spaces that say they celebrate difference but actually do not. In some of my classes I have had to put up with Professors and students alike who remind me of a quote from my favorite movie, Finding Forester, “People are afraid of what they do not understand, and when we do not understand we turn to our assumptions.” But, I have started to see these spaces as places of opportunity to confront, deconstruct and re construct new narratives that perhaps my peers have been unaware of.
5. My confidence. Because unpacking my plan and Difference have been proving difficult, my confidence has also been slow to unfold. Through a lot of active will I have begun to rediscover it somewhere deep down my suitcase. It has not been easy, most days it is not easy, but on such days I remind myself of what I looked like when my confidence was unpacked.
Moving or transitioning is not easy at all, especially if you are like me and you transition with your whole being. However, it is such a formative, grueling and exciting experience that teaches you something new about yourself each time you do it. So keep on unpacking one item at a time and do not be so eager to finish unpacking you forget to appreciate the contents in the bag. It has taken me six months to unpack all the changes that have been and continue happening in my life. It has been six months of me trying to unpack and unravel a post but eventually it happened!